Use You
by lovova
Summary: Kenny never viewed himself as the type to let himself be used by people: his friends, unknowingly, recklessly, or cruelly, prove themselves to be unconcerned by this belief.
1. Fuck You

Use You

By Lovova

Authors Note: Trying to write every day these days as an exercise, and this story came out. It's already finished, and its five chapters long, and I will update every three days, so expect an update, uhhhh, Wednesday. Enjoy :)

Chapter One

Fuck You

Chapter Summary: Stan never saw himself as a 'have your cake and eat it too' kind of guy, but the itch could get so _bad_, and Kenny made it so _easy_.

_Fuck me._

0

Believe it or not, he couldn't remember when this had started happening.

Oh, sure, he could remember the night well enough. He had slept over at Stan's while Kyle was at Jew Camp and Cartman was pissed at them, and the two of them had just been innocently hanging out in the basement. Literally, completely innocently. It's not like they had dipped into Stan's Dad's drinks, or been reading one of Kenny's magazines. Hell, they hadn't even been watching television, which can sometimes put ideas into kids heads.

No, they had just been talking. Talking about not much at all, at first. But then, talking about nothing turned into talking about things, and things turned into secrets, and secrets turned into confessions.

Kenny, at the time, hadn't understood why his old girlfriend Tammy had acted so embarrassed and ashamed when she admitted to giving some guy a blowjob. Clearly she had wanted to do it, and, at the time, Kenny had believed that the more action you got, the cooler you were. What was there to be ashamed of, when people found out that you had managed to get a little somethin-somethin?

Kenny understood now. He understood wanting more then anything for no one to ever know what he was doing. He understood what it was like now, to desire something, and then get it, and in the end feel like something had been taken from you. And then, to somehow, even after that feeling of emptiness and loneliness and worthlessness, to start wanting to do it all over again just a few days later, hell, a few _hours_ later.

If Stan stopped and told him to beg for it, Kenny would. Oh, God, he would. He'd beg and plead and moan and afterwards feel stupid and small, and then do it all again the next time Stan felt like it.

Thankfully, Stan was too a nice enough guy to ever even consider asking Kenny to degrade himself like that. Kenny knew that Stan himself was probably having similar confusing feelings about all this, about how much he wanted it, his fears in how much he craved it. Stan wasn't the type to just fuck-em and leave em. He knew, in his own way, Stan cared about him, and that he was probably just as overwhelmed by all this as Kenny was.

There was just one difference.

Stan was still dating Wendy.

During the day, Stan was, well, normal. He hung out with the gang, with Kenny, and put aside sometimes a few minutes or a few hours every day for Wendy, holding her books, making her smile, trying his hardest not to act like a goof around her. Stan was dating Wendy, and had absolutely no intentions of stopping.

But neither did he have any intentions of not calling Kenny at 10 o'clock at night asking, "Do you want to come over?"

And, of course, Kenny always did want to come over. He'd sneak out of his house and into Stan's and sometimes they'd talk first, like pretending they didn't know what Kenny was there for, and sometimes they'd just get right into the dirty stuff, touching, exploring, experimenting.

And then once they were done, Stan would say bye and Kenny would sneak out of the house as quietly and quickly as he could, feeling like some stupid, worthless dog that had invaded Stan's home and had been shooed out after a quick, humoring pet.

Kenny didn't know what they were. Were they booty-call buddies? But Kenny, even when he really wanted to, never called Stan. He wasn't sure why, but it seemed to be one of the unspoken rules between them; Stan always called, never Kenny. So, did that make him Stan's booty-call? Then what did that make him, Kenny? What did you call a person that came running whenever you needed the itch scratched, and didn't dare ask for anything beyond the night?

Did you call that person "Cartman's Mom?"

Kenny had tried to even the score, tried to find a girl of his own who he could lavish his attentions on during the day, but dating was…hard. Harder then hanging out with his friends, or hanging out with Stan at night. Everything he did just seemed to gross girls out, scared them away, or worst, only attracted the kind of girls that freaked him out and scared him away. He wasn't sure what he was doing wrong. He was just doing it like the guys on T.V. did it.

Stan laughed when he pulled those lines on him. Laughed and then did his thing and then said "Bye Kenny." And the next day, he wouldn't even act awkward. No avoiding eye-contact, or getting nervous at certain conversations, or ignoring him. Stan would just act like nothing had happened at all, like they were just the friends they had always been, that there wasn't anything more to it.

And this would scare Kenny, because maybe Stan really didn't _think_ there was anything more to it? What if to him, a scratch was a scratch, and a Kenny was a Kenny, and what _else_ would you use something like Kenny for?

"Scratch my itch Kenny," Kenny could sometimes hear in his half-awake moments, when the Mean Stan that lived in his head seemed realist, saying things he knew Stan was too nice a guy to say, but sometimes wasn't sure he wasn't thinking it, "Scratch my itch, ease me and please me in every way, and then _beg_ me to let you do it."

And of course, in his half-awake dreams, Kenny would beg.


	2. Kill You

Chapter Two

Kill You

Chapter Summary: Cartman was capable of a lot of things. But he wanted to know if he was capable of this.

_Kill Me_

0

His hands were shaking violently as he ran through the school. His heart felt like it was being swallowed by his throat. He didn't bother screaming for help. There was no one around, and he couldn't waste the air. He didn't want to be caught. He knew exactly what would happen if he was caught.

Because this was the fourth time this had happened.

Cartman wouldn't remember he had done it. That was part of Kenny's 'gift'. Once he was back, no one remembered he had died. Everyone would have a memory of his just barely missing that flying disk, or stepping out of the way of the car just in time. His funeral had never occurred, his tombstone wouldn't be there, and it was like nothing had happened at all.

Which is what made this predicament so awful. Cartman didn't want nothing to have happened at all. Cartman wanted Kenny to die, by Cartman's own hands. So, whenever Kenny came back, Cartman would remember Kenny getting away, or convincing him to let him go, or something of the like, and Kenny would have to wait a few weeks, paranoid, while Cartman worked up the nerve to try it again.

Cartman wanted to kill somebody _personally_, just to see what it felt like. He had chosen Kenny for the experiment, and now, unknown to Cartman himself, today would probably be the fourth time he had killed him.

Who knew why Cartman had chosen Kenny, out of all the people he knew, or what some might consider better, didn't know? Kenny knew. Kenny knew, because Cartman had told him. Three times now, Cartman had told him, as he made Kenny scream, as with each cut, or punch, or squeezing of the throat, about how he had chosen Kenny because, get this, 'he loved him'.

"The world is hard, Kenny, especially for poor people," Cartman would smile around the time Kenny was ready to beg for death, "And I hate to watch you suffer."

And every time, his 'savior' made the death longer, harder. It was almost like Cartman subconsciously knew he had done it before this way or that, and wanted to try different things as he grew more comfortable taking Kenny's life away whenever he felt like it. And oh, Cartman could be creative, and that creativity could lead to things that strangely resembled genius in whatever subject Cartman had decided to actually put some effort into that day.

And these days, Cartman was really into the subject 'Torture'.

"Kenneh!" Cartman shouted, his voice echoing through the school halls, much closer then Kenny had hoped. "Come on, Kenneh, what are you fucking running around for? It's just me, buddy!"

Kenny needed to find a way to die, fast. Stupid him, he had left his gun at home though, and finding a way to impromptu kill yourself was harder then most people would probably suspect. Too many things weren't for sure. He could get to the school building and jump, but that might only leave him injured, an easy victim for Cartman. If he got to the kitchen he could stab himself in the heart, but if the kitchen doors were locked he'd be cornered.

It didn't occur to Kenny to fight back. To kill Cartman before he could kill him. He had been protecting his three friends, Kyle, Stan, and Cartman, for so long that the idea of hurting them wasn't even a possibility. Besides, for Kenny, death would only be temporary, until he woke up either the next morning or the next month. For Cartman, it would be forever. No matter how much of an evil bastard Cartman was, Kenny didn't want that on his hands.

God, why couldn't someone just _save him?_ Just once! It happened for other people. Most people went through long lives without even nearly dying until it was done. Why did, even as a immortal, he have to die so often? Was that a part of his 'gift'? Was that his payment for this maddening curse?

Oh, man, the next time Kenny went to heaven, he was going to find that omnipresent bastard of a god and kick the _shit_ out of him.

Which was probably going to be very soon, actually, as Kenny was running out of places to run. In desperation, he had headed to the back of the school, into the playground. His reasoning was that he could climb the fence; once he was up and over, there was no way that fatass Cartman would be able to follow him. He'd be home free.

One problem: you remember how Cartman could be a genius, once he was invested in something? That slow, fat bastard was already in the playground, waiting for him.

Kenny hadn't even been close to seeing him in time when big, thick arms circled around him, and he was suddenly tackled into the ground. Playground dirt went under his hoody and into his mouth, and for one hysterical moment Kenny considered eating the ground, trying to choke on the sticks and the stones.

Wouldn't work though. Cartman was the type to give you the hemlock maneuver and save your life, just so he could hurt you properly.

"Kenneh," Cartman drawled above him, the weight of his breath almost as bad as the actual weight of him. Kenny hated the way Cartman said his name. The only other time Cartman used that soft, almost sing-song voice was on animals; Kenny had a feeling that wasn't a coincidence. "What the fuck did you run off for, you weirdo? I only said hello, spaz."

The effect of Cartman's calm, friendly words were ruined by the fact that the other boy had yet to remove his remarkable weight off of him yet, and instead seemed to shift to get him into an easier pin. Kenny struggled, wildly.

"Get off, get off me, you bastard!" Kenny screamed behind his hood, unable to do much with the lower part of his body, so desperately trying to punch or push Cartman away with his hands.

Cartman, unfortunately, had gotten hold of his wrists, and knew how to throw his weight around so that he mostly had Kenny's arms under control. Still, despite the power Cartman had in this situation, a dark look was starting to crawl through his expression the more Kenny screamed. "Jesus, Kenneh, what the hell are you freaking out about? What the hell do you think is about to happen right now? Don't go flattering yourself if you think I'm about to jump your poverty-weakened bones. I could catch something!"

Okay, chances of fighting his way out; nill to impossible, unless Cartman lowered his defenses. Which, in all the previous times this murder had taken place, had not yet happened once. So, no choice but to, once again, try and talk his way out of this.

_Shit_.

Okay, threatening hadn't worked the first time. Bribing hadn't worked the second, and begging hadn't worked last time; Cartman was really, really determined to kill him. So, maybe reasoning with him would work? No, no, not like regular reasoning, but maybe if Kenny could get into that ever elusive, tricky mindframe that was Cartman's conscious…

"I'm not going to be poor forever, you know!" Kenny shouted, the idea out of his mouth before he even had time to think about it. This was not necessarily a good thing.

Cartman, thrown off guard by the randomness of that statement, gave Kenny a purely baffled look. "What?"

"Poor. Me. Not forever." Kenny tried again desperately. Okay, that was one coherent sentence out. Any more, oh Hooded Wonder? "Oh!" He said, "I mean…I've really been studying at school lately. I mean, I'm, like, really determined to get a well paying job, and just be really, really rich someday. And, once I'm rich, I'm going to be so, so happy. I just…I just need the chance to try, ya know? To be rich and happy. I need the opportunity, the time. Ya know?"

"Kenneh, what the hell are you going on about?" Cartman asked, his face still confused. But, he let go of Kenny's arms and leaned back onto his knees, completely freeing Kenny's upper body. This was good. This was progress. Cartman was listening.

Oh, lord, what the hell _was_ he going on about? Slowly Kenny's brain let Kenny in on the idea, and his mouth started to race, "I-I was just thinking earlier, today, ya know…wouldn't it suck if I were to die today? Like, I'd die poor, and I'd never get to know the-the-the sheer joy of having money! That'd be awful, that'd be completely cruel. So, I'm working to make sure that before I die, I can know what it's like to have money, so-so-so it would suck if I died now, because then I wouldn't have the opportunity to do so…don't you think, Cartman?"

Cartman raised an eyebrow at him, all signs in that fat, layered face pointing to the possibility that he was actually giving this thought. "I…I guess so. That would suck. Why are you even thinking about that?" the dark look from before came to Cartman's face, one that Kenny had seen all three times before. "Wait, did that butt-munch Butter's say something to you! Because, if argued right, the things I said to him could be taken completely out of context and aren't liable in the court of god damn law!...You know, depending on what he said." Cartman finished, his face carefully blank.

Cartman had been bragging to Butter's what he was going to do? And Butter's hadn't TOLD HIM! Oh, see if there won't be a ninja star in BOTH eyes tomorrow!

Okay, make this work, make this work, "Y-yes, yes, Butter's told me! He told me everything. But, he also told me you had a very, very good reason for doing it." The look of surprise on Cartman's face was so pure that Kenny, under any other circumstance, would have laughed his ass off at it. "I mean, I get it. You recognize that being poor sucks, and you're trying to help me. Thanks man, I mean it, but I'm not going to be poor forever, ya know? I'm going to work hard, and have money one day, so, while I appreciate you trying to help me out, I think it's best if I just grit my teeth through the poor years until the day I can get a good job. W-what do you think, Cartman?"

Cartman looked at him curiously before, finally, _finally,_ shifting his weight off him and standing up. Not only that, but he also held down his hand to help Kenny up, who shakily took it. Cartman grinned at him. "Yeah, okay, that makes sense."

'_It does?_' Kenny thought warily. On the outside, he said, "Yeah, well, ya know. So, um, do you want to go get something to eat? Or go to Kyle's house to play the new Guitar Hero?"

Cartman put a good natured hand on Kenny's shoulder, gently steering him back towards the school. "Sounds cool. I hear the new controller has actual strings. How awesome is that!"

"Awesome!" Kenny agreed, forcing as much false cheer out as he could. Was he really out of this mess? Was it really over? Did Kenny McCormick, for once, win?

As they went up to the school, Cartman said, "So, I'm a good friend, then?"

Kenny nodded, eyes focused on the door. Almost there, almost home free. Past the school, down the street, then off towards Kyle's house, never having to worry about Cartman getting in one of those moods again! "The best!"

"Well, ya know, Kenneh, friends are always honest with each other."

He could hear it. Kenny could actually hear something shift gears in Cartman's head. Before he could even start to think to run, Cartman had his hands on his shoulders, his mouth in his ear.

"Dude, as your friend, I think you might be a little too stupid to ever hold down a well-paying job."

'_Nascar!_' Kenny wanted to scream as Cartman got hold of his shoulders and threw him face first into the wall, just a few feet away from the door that was to be his salvation. '_I'll become a racer in Nascar! I'll dedicate every win to you! I'm poor and stupid enough! Oh God, leave me alone!_'

Kenny didn't get a chance to say anything though. Cartman grabbed the back of Kenny's hoody, along with a good chunck of his hair, and pulled it back, back…then shoved it forward. Straight into the wall. Kenny heard something crack, but the pain was all over his face, and he couldn't tell what was broken. He was chewing on something hard, as Cartman pulled his back again for another run. It might have been rock from the wall.

It was probably teeth.


	3. Leave You

Chapter Three

Leave You

Chapter Summary: Kyle has always thought of himself as an insightful person. But when in anger, it can be hard for anyone to notice that the object of their rage is the one who needs them most.

Leave Me

0

Even by his own standards, it was a bad time to be Kenny these days.

Things at home were more or less normal: Dad would do something stupid, mom would yell, Dad would hit mom for yelling, mom would hit back, they'd get into a full on fist fight which Kevin would then try to break up, and then Dad would hit Kevin, and that would lead to more yelling from mom and more hitting from them both and Kevin telling a quietly sobbing Karen in the room next over, "Don't worry, it doesn't hurt as bad as it looks…"

And that was, more or less, bearable. At least, it used to be, because Kenny did not spend a majority of his time at home. Usually, he was with his friends which was, during good times or end of the world times, typically ten times better on any given day.

At least, that's the way it used to be. But, in this last month or so, his friends had created their own kind of hell for him.

He knew it was cowardly, but he had been avoiding Cartman lately. It was fear, plain and simple. He didn't know when Cartman would next attack him, would next kill him, and each time he did it Cartman was getting better at it, making the pain last longer and go deeper. It was getting to the point where Kenny would jerk every time Cartmen was near him unexpectedly, to Cartmen's own confusion, who of course did not remember any of the torture sessions.

It might have been worth being around Cartman if he was also around Stan, but Stan was bringing his own sort of emotional pain with him. Kenny knew himself well enough to know that the worst things got with Cartman, the more he wished things would get better between him and Stan. He found himself watching Stan and Wendy together with a painful, heartwrenching jealousy, and their rare nights together no longer filled the ache in him as he spent most of the night fighting the desire to have a 'where is this relationship going' talk with Stan. It was getting to the point where being in his friends presence for longer then a few moments left him terrified and depressed to the point where he was constantly feeling the itch to pull his gun out and kill himself, just so he can go back home and sleep the hurt away.

So, he was now actively avoiding his friends; unfortunately, the person who noticed quickest, and was the most hurt by the gesture, was Kyle.

Kyle, blameless in all of this, had been mystified as every day he watched Kenny try and further and further distance himself from them. Kyle couldn't see any case of cause and effect here; as far as he could tell, Kenny was doing just a complete heel-turn in personality, and was punishing his friends for no reason. Kyle might have just let it go; after all, if Kenny need time to himself, that was fine. No one was going to make him hang out. He'd come back to them eventually, Kyle was sure of it.

Yes, things might have been fine between him and Kyle, had Kenny not refused to come to Kyle's Celebration Party.

Kyle had been working on an essay for months at a rare scholarship that would give him a full ride in college. He had been stressing and preparing and thinking of little else all these months, and last week he had sent in the essay and gotten a letter back congratulating him on winning the scholarship. Kyle's family, of course, had been thrilled, and had decided to host a celebratory barbecue for anyone in South Park to attend. Kyle hadn't cared about everyone in South Park attending; but he had invited his best friends, and had hoped they would show up.

They did. Nearly everyone did. Everyone except for, noticeably, Kenny.

At first, Kyle hadn't cared. Then, he didn't see Kenny the next day either. Then he did see Kenny the third day, but when Kenny had seen him, with Stan and Cartman beside him, Kyle watched first hand the widening of Kenny's eyes, and his obvious, quick turn into another hallway, where he disappeared.

And, yesterday, Kyle had finally lost his patience.

"Kenny!" Kyle had cornered Kenny at a wall that, once upon a never time, had been bashed full of holes and covered in blood, Stan and Cartman at his heel as he turned his fiery temper at his third best friend, "Kenny, what the hell man!"

"What the hell, what the hell?" Kenny countered back in that muffled voice that they all had learned to decipher over a decade ago, "Damn it, Kyle, what the hell are you shoving me into the wall for?" A sparkle of something…foreign flashed through Kenny's eyes, "Did Cartman put you up to this!"

Kyle took a brief look back at Cartman, who looked as confused as he was, "What? No, I mean, what the hell Kenny, why have you been ditching us for weeks now? What'd we do to earn the cold shoulder from you?"

"Stan, what's going on?" Wendy asked, joining the crowd of students who were now circling the scene.

"It's nothing, guys, nothing's going on here," Stan told the crowd, turning sharply to Kyle to whisper, "Dude, what are you doing?"

"Don't tell me you haven't noticed, Stan, Kenny's been avoiding us, and I want to know why!" Kyle said, not bothering to keep his voice down as he kept a firm stance in front of the trapped Kenny.

Stan was about to reply that he had noticed no such thing, but faltered and thought about it. Sure, he had been seeing Kenny quite a few nights this month, but during the day…he turned to Kenny, "Dude, _have_ you been avoiding us?"

Kenny looked away from Stan, because he was hard to look at, and then quickly he looked away from Cartman, who was even harder to look at, and that only left Kyle, who's eyes raged at him with Jewish fury. "I don't know what you're talking about," Kenny muttered to Kyle, but the lie burned against his teeth and his gaze dropped down to take a firm interest in his Kyle's shoes. Kyle's shoes were black, which wasn't surprising. All of their shoes were black.

"Bullshit!" Kyle said, calling Kenny's bluff, "You've been avoiding us for weeks, you've ignored all of our invitations to do anything, including my party, and now you're lying to my face about it! I don't appreciate that one bit Kenny!"

"Well who the fuck cares what you appreciate!" Kenny shouted, and immediately wished he hadn't. In Kyle, he suddenly saw, clearer then he ever had before, Mrs. Broflowski.

"Oh?" Kyle snarled, "Doesn't matter what I think, huh? Well, fine, Kenny, you want to be left alone so bad, that I'll leave you alone! We all will, right guys!" There was a mutter of approval as Kyle turned his mother's glare onto the other children, and Kenny knew that while no one but Kyle really gave a damn what Kenny had just said, he was officially going to be given the cold shoulder from just about everyone, because no one wanted to face Kyle when he was in one of these moods. Kyle had a tendency to be dangerous when angry. Like this, he often punished people in ways that impressed even Cartman.

And today, Kyle was determined to punish Kenny.

Kyle gave him a final evil eye before turning away sharply, a laughing Cartman following his wake as well as Stan, who shrugged kind of helplessly at him. Little by little, the crowd dispersed, and soon only Kenny was there.

Alone.

Kenny went home that afternoon and killed himself. And when that didn't work, he sat in his closet and cried.


	4. Lose You

Chapter Four

Lose You

Chapter Summary: Kenny can't die, but that doesn't mean he has to stay.

_Lose Me_

0

He doesn't take anything with him. He just gets up and goes one day.

Nobody notices at first. Kenny's presence is as common and unannounced as Kenny's absence; people rarely note his presence, as he is often what some might call a 'background friend', and nobody ever notices him go, partly because it happens so often, mostly because everyone knows that he'll return, eventually.

Stan notices though. Because Stan has an itch that Wendy won't let him scratch, and for once, Kenny doesn't answer when he calls. At first he waits a few days, keeps calling, but Kenny remains absent. Then he starts to get mad, the itch bringing out something nasty in him, and he calls Kenny foul names, and ignores his friends when they ask him why he's in such a foul mood. Eventually, though, the itch subsides, and Stan gets used to not appeasing it, and that's when he starts to get genuinely worried about where Kenny might be.

He brings it up with his friends, who wave him off, Kyle still angry, Cartman unconcerned. Except, Cartman is not unconcerned. Like Stan, he too has a secret desire that he feels only Kenny can satisfy, and it would be very, very bad if Kenny somehow knew of this. He goes to Butters, his unwilling confidant, who swears up and down that he hasn't spoken to Kenny in months, let alone on the subject of Cartman's obsession. Though Cartman believes him, this does not ease his growing paranoia, and he waits, fretfully, for Kenny to appear, and make a retaliatory attack against him. After awhile, he too brings up Kenny's absence with his friends, and Stan nods back at him, concern in his eyes, but Kyle is angry, wrathfully angry, and storms off.

But what they do not know is that Kyle's strong emotion on the subject comes from his own regret, rather then still enraged by Kenny's actions. Kyle knows that he flew off the handle, knows that too much of his mother came out of him that day, and that knowledge shames and terrifies him. He fears Kenny's absence is a result of his own cruelty, a fear that he can't bring himself to voice aloud to his friends yet, though he often stops by Kenny's house to see if the teen has returned yet, hoping to make some sort of amends. Time has gone by, and Kenny has still not returned, and eventually, Kyle himself brings this up amongst his friends, and this time a discussion occurs.

But the trail has long gone cold, and none of them know of any place Kenny might go to, and so they sit around the cafeteria table in silence, stewing in the fact that, no matter what their desires, no matter what their intentions, nothing can be done about it, because none of them have any idea how to find Kenny and bring him back to them. And so eventually they stop talking about it, and nobody brings it up at all.

Too much time has gone by, and Kenny is gone.


End file.
